|Man Without Qualities|
Wednesday, December 24, 2003
E-mailed from a friend:
Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas,
there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property
(hereinafter "the House") a general lack of stirring by all creatures
therein, including, but not limited to a mouse.
A variety of foot apparel, e.g. stocking, socks, etc.,
had been affixed by and around the chimney in said House
in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas
a/k/a/ Santa Claus (hereinafter "Claus") would arrive at sometime thereafter.
The minor residents, i.e. the children, of the aforementioned House were
located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal
hallucinations, i.e. dreams, wherein visions of confectionery treats,
including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums and/or other
caries causing items, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams.
Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred to as
"I"), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the party of the
second part (hereinafter "Mamma" or "She Who Must Be Obeyed;" collectively,
the "Parties"), and said Mamma had retired for a sustained period of sleep.
(At such time, the Parties were clad in various forms of headgear, e.g.kerchief, cap, sleepstocking, etc.)
Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the
unimproved real property adjacent and appurtenant to said House, i.e. the
lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance.
The party of the first part did immediately rush to a window in the House to
investigate the cause of such disturbance.
At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree of
wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter "the Vehicle")
being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately
eight (8) reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be and in fact
was, the previously referenced Claus.
Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance to
the approximately eight (8) reindeer, and specifically identified the
animal co-trespassers by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid,
Donner and Blitzen (hereinafter "the Deer"). (Upon information and belief, it is
further asserted that an additional co-conspirator named "Rudolph" may have been involved.)
The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer
intentionally and did willfully trespass upon the roofs of several
residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and noted
that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and other items of
unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, without prior invitation or permission,
either expressed or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus
entered said House via the chimney.
Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered with
residue from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing a portion
of the aforementioned packages, toys, and other unknown items. He was
smoking what appeared to be but may not have been tobacco in a small pipe
in blatant violation of local ordinances and health regulations.
Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the foot apparel of the
minor children hanging adjacent to the chimney with toys and other small
gifts. (Said items did not, however, constitute "gifts" to said minors
pursuant to the applicable provisions of the 26 USC 1, et seq, to-wit: the U.S. Tax Code.)
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