Man Without Qualities

Saturday, March 06, 2004

The Fall Of The House Of Eisner XII: Graceful Exit, Or Pathetic ... And Bound To Lose VI

The Blogosphere's very name indicates that it is non-Euclidean: all of its parallel lines meet. And so it is here at the Man Without Qualities that the completely independent trajectories of the two series The Fall Of The House Of Eisner and Pathetic ... And Bound To Lose unexpectedly converge - drawn together by the fundamental organizing geometry of the Blogosphere.

What is behind this Blogospherical equivalent of the Michaelson-Morley Experiment or Ultraviolet Catastrophe? Well, the solution to Disney's difficulties may be in providing a graceful exit for Michael Eisner - perhaps something that could be presented as a career advance. Alan Abelson writing in Barron's has just the ticket:

IN CHOOSING JOHN KERRY as their de facto challenger to Mr. Bush -- the formal anointing comes in July -- the Democrats got what they had been seeking desperately: a man of imposing stature. And there's no question that at 6 feet 4 inches, Mr. Kerry stood tall in a field of pygmy opponents. Once a movement to draft Shaq O'Neal (7 feet 1 inch) fell apart -- Shaq wasn't keen on a career change at present and, in any case, has zero interest in trading down -- Mr. Kerry won a free pass to the nomination.

Now, of course, the big question is: Who'll get his nod as vice president? ....

A long shot, admittedly, but someone with a plethora of compelling attributes Mr. Kerry might consider is Michael Eisner, who sooner rather than later may be available for vice president. Granted, he lacks direct political experience, but years in the Hollywood trenches spent in lethal combat with agents and stars and fellow moguls have equipped him with all the tools necessary (brass knuckles, daggers, poison, tactical nuclear weapons) for a successful career in politics. And his extended tenure as top dog at Disney and long relationship with cartoon characters ensure an easy adaptation to Washington, its folkways and its folks.

What's more, Mr. Eisner, thanks to a veritable explosion of recent publicity, has become a household name even in households that do not subscribe to Variety. Most important, Mr. Eisner is far richer than even Robert Rubin and, by simply reaching into his small-change pocket, he could more than wipe out Mr. Bush's huge financial advantage.

Our commendation of Mr. Eisner -- or Mike, if he's going to buddy up to the voters -- is, of course, completely disinterested, a civic obligation happily discharged. Should he emerge as Mr. Kerry's choice -- and let's emphasize this as strongly as possible -- we do not expect, nor will we accept, a finder's fee. Especially if, by some bizarre accident, the Kerry-Eisner ticket turns out a loser.

Talk about thinking outside the box!

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