Posted 8:06 AM by Robert

One View Of Mankind

The Vice Presidential debate looms. It seems an apt moment to contemplate the view that the personal injury lawyer takes of mankind and that inspires so many winning and lucrative arguments to the jury! The worldwide dialogue between the personal injury bar and consumer manufacturers has been proceeding for some time, long enough to have generated a fully formed vision of the human personality and mind - a vision that includes but extends far beyond mere safety considerations. So how better to proceed than with a survey of some actual label instructions on consumer goods, as helpfully and timely provided by an e-mailing friend with commentary already in place:

On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping. (Damn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how???....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion).

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time)?

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and...I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what)?

On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (Oh my God...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

NOTES AND LETTERS FROM OUR FAR FLUNG CORRESPONDENTS:

The omnivorous knowledgeable Patrick Sullivan communicates:

On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (Oh my God...was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

Well, in Roumania:

BUCHAREST, Oct 4 (Reuters) - A elderly Romanian man mistook his penis for a chicken's neck, cut it off and his dog rushed up and ate it, the state Rompres news agency said on Monday.

It said 67 year-old Constantin Mocanu, from a village near the southeastern
town of Galati, rushed out into his yard in his underwear to kill a noisy
chicken keeping him awake at night.

"I confused it with the chicken's neck," Mocanu, who was admitted to the
emergency hospital in Galati, was quoted as saying. "I cut it ... and the
dog rushed and ate it."

Doctors said the man, who was brought in by an ambulance bleeding heavily,
was now out of danger.

Astute reader PS comments:

On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.) ...

I immediately thought of the old expression "do the other thing" as a euphemism for "go fuck yourself" as in "I'm a conservative and those who don't like it may do the other thing." It would definitely be a bad idea to use a food processer to "go fuck yourself." Ouch. I dunno what the manufacturer intended, but I like my theory simply for entertainment value. The expression seems to have fallen out of general use, but it was fairly common 50 years ago.

Esoteric and clever PJF e-mails:

Just a krazy guess, mind you, but it could be a reference to this celebrated case (as recounted on the Court TV website) which would be familiar to many Japanese of a certain age. Here's an excerpt:

In Cannibal Killers, Moira Martingale describes how Issei Sagawa, a brilliant Japanese student, obsessed over tall women with Occidental features. Eventually fantasy was not enough, so while studying for his degree in English literature at Wako University in Tokyo, he became attracted to a German woman who was teaching him the language.

"When I met this woman in the street," he later said to British reporter Peter McGill, "I wondered if I could eat her."

You can probably guess where this one's heading. It ends in a Paris refrigerator.